Fun with Mormons
by Roseclaw
Summary: Stan knows he's failing Civics, and Gary thinks he's failing at life. A cracktastic, slashy fic from Stan's point of view. Main pairing: StanGary.
1. Chapter 1

All rights and privileges to "South Park" are copyrighted trademarks and property of Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Comedy Central, and all peoples associated. The characters of these fictions are used WITHOUT permission for the entertainment purposes only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit. As if anyone would actually pay money for this thoughtless drivel. And even if they like it, it's right here and money is not required. So there! Bottom line: I don't own them I just like to play God with them. Like an ant walking back and forth across my feet for what seems like miles upon miles. Or a bug with a magnifying glass as it slowly burns into nothingness. Ahem Yes, I don't own them. Never have. Never will. Sigh…

Disclaimer Numbuh 2: This story is not meant to offend. I know plenty of Mormons, relatives and otherwise. Most of them are decent people. But it's a safe conclusion to draw that anyone can be an awesome or horrible person regardless of religion.

Disclaimer Numbuh 3: "Get" is not a suitable replacement for "to be" in any of its forms.

**Author's Note:** This has been kicking around my computer for some time. I was hoping to finish it all in one go, but whatever. I have a short attention span. I figured I'd post this because of Seaouryou's pic on DevArt with the crack pairings. A lot of people seem to like the idea of Stan and Gary, so... here you go: crack in its purest form.

---

Fun with Mormons

---

"Failure to attain bipartisan support in the two-party system can easily lead to gridlock, often angering each side and their constituencies." Wow. Gary is really smart, maybe just as smart as Kyle. No wonder the two don't like each other.

"God damn it, Gary," Cartman mutters. "What a pussy." He's a pussy for being smart? Cartman's logic is the most flawed of any I have ever known.

"Leave him alone, Cartman," I growl. "You have no idea what 'bipartisan' means."

"I do to!"

"What is it, fat tits?" Kyle snaps.

"It's the union that Stan and Gary share. You know, the one where they have butt sex every night."

"Oh Jesus," I moan, hanging my head and pinching the bridge of my nose.

"But since they both like girls, that makes them bi – like Kenny."

"No, Kenny's just a whore," Craig announces. Too true.

"Hey!" Kenny protests.

"You are, man," Clyde admits.

"But what does that have to do with Stan ass-ramming Gary?" Kenny points out, diverting the attention back to me.

"Kenny!" I shout indignantly. "Gary and I aren't screwing!" Not that that would be a bad thing if we did, he's not that bad to look at, although inexperienced. Mmmm… virgin flesh. But no way, he's not really my type; he's too… something.

"Yeah! If Stan and Gary were shagging, Gary's brains would be turned to goo," Pip states. Pip, now that was a fun lay. We spent hours in a hot tub together. Hours.

"What?" Kyle asks. Well, I never exactly told him that I slept with Pip.

"Well, it's just so fantastic," Pip gushes. Now that is a nice boost to the ego… not to mention a great advertisement. I'm going to have to hook back up with him as thanks. "Best shag I've ever had."

"Don't be such a fag, Frenchy," Cartman scoffs.

"I was just pointing out that Stan is a brilliant shag and – "

"Shut up, Pip!" Cartman shouts.

"Pip's right," Bebe blurts out. Bebe was fun too. Her breasts, my God, they are so amazing.

"Y-yeah!" Tweek speaks up. Tweek was amazing too, like my own personal vibrator or something.

"Stan! You've slept with all these people?" Kyle asks in awe. I think there is a little tremor of hurt in his voice too. I obviously haven't told him any of this. I thought he would freak.

I shrug. "I like blonds." My vice.

"You haven't slept with me!" Kenny laments.

"Yeah, but you're like, my friend," I point out. Call me weird, but I won't sleep with my friends.

"So?" Horny bastard. Not that he's not bad looking. He's just Kenny, and he's my friend.

"Damn it, Kenny."

"W-would you with me, S-Stan?" Butters asks, rubbing his knuckles together.

"No, Butters," I sigh. "You'd be grounded."

"Oh. Oh yeah." Melvin.

"So, if you like blonds, you'd sleep with Gary," Cartman rationalizes. Nope, I wouldn't.

"What about me?" Annie asks anxiously.

I turn to her and wink. She blushes. She's not really my type, but if she's willing… well, I'd have to see, but possibly.

"You're more of a whore than Kenny!" Cartman declares. Yeah, right. I'm not even close.

"Class!" The teacher shouts. "Focus! You have an exam tomorrow and a paper due Friday. How you spend your time is up to you. You want to talk about your classmates' sex lives? Fine. But that is not going to be on the exam."

I don't pay any attention to her. Civics can suck my balls and so can she. I'm not really doing well in this class, and I know I should pay attention, but right now I need to defend my honor.

"I am not more of a whore than Kenny! I can count the people I've slept with on one hand!" Pip, Tweek, Bebe, and Wendy. Wendy was my first. We tried to date again, but it really didn't work, so we just had lots and lots of sex, and that did work.

The teacher sighs and sits behind her desk. We might as well give her free time to grade our papers; that'll free up her weekend.

"What about you, Kenny?" Craig asks.

"Well, um… I have no idea how many people I've fucked," he admits.

"Ha!" I say victoriously. "Wait, why are we arguing this? Everyone knows that Kenny is the biggest whore in South Park – even bigger than Cartman's mom."

"Hey!" Cartman protests.

"And everyone knows that Gary is a Mormon, and they don't condone premarital sex. And gay sex? Just forget that," Kyle points out.

"So what you're saying, Kyle, is that Stan can't seduce Gary into sin?"

"Dude!" Kyle and I exclaim simultaneously.

"Umm… guys? I do happen to be in the room," Gary says a bit uneasily.

"Shut up, Gary," Cartman sneers.

"Cartman, you can't go making bets like that!" Kyle accuses.

"A bet! That's a great idea!"

"No way!" Why do Kyle and Cartman always end up fighting over stupid stuff and trapping me in the middle? It's about time I put my foot down.

"What's the matter, Stan? Can't take the pressure?" he taunts.

Tweek expels a random "Gah!"

"Dude, you're confusing me with Tweek," I state dryly.

"You've boned him; it's almost the same thing."

"God damn it, Cartman. I'm not going to sleep with Gary."

"Why not?" he whines. "You have sand in your vagina like the Jew?"

"Jesus, Cartman! I sleep with who I want to sleep with. I don't do it to fulfill your sick fantasies."

"My fantasies involve Kyle dying."

"Fuck you, fatass!"

"No, they really do!"

"That's it!" Kyle shrieks. "You, me. Outside the gym. After school."

"You're on! And Stan – fifty bucks says you can't bone the Mormon."

I ignore him. "Kyle, you can't fight Cartman."

"Stan," he whines. "He's had this coming for a long time."

"Yeah, I know, dude, but he's eventually gonna be shot, probably in college. I'm sure you can wait a year."

"Don't pussy out, Kyle," Cartman jibes.

The bell rings.

"I'm going to kick your fat ass, Cartman!"

* * *

By lunch, Cartman had forgotten all about his fight with Kyle, and all he remembered was the money he placed against my manhood. And he keeps reminding me of it. Relentlessly. I'm really close to dragging him off into a corner and fucking him, but that would involve touching him. And just the idea makes my skin crawl. Honestly, I should be more threatened about my ability of a lover, but I have Bebe, Pip, Tweek, and Wendy to back me up. 

"Seriously, Stan, you bone him by the end of the month and I'll double your money."

"I'm not going to bone Gary," I sigh, wishing he would just shut the fuck up.

Gary has the misfortune of walking by our lunch table just then.

Kenny catcalls.

I glare at him before taking off after Gary.

"Yeah, Stan, be the MAN!"

"Shut up, fatass!" I shout over my shoulder.

I grab Gary's arm and drag him out of the cafeteria. I don't care that everyone is staring at us; I just want to talk to him alone. I lead him to an empty classroom and close the door behind us.

"Look, Stan," he starts. "You don't need to say anything, I understand it all." He has the balls to look me in the eye.

"Gary, I'm really sorry that Cartman is an asshole. He really has no idea what the hell he's doing. He just thinks he can read people but – "

"So you do want to – with me?"

"What! No!" Has the entire world gone insane today!

"So I'm not good enough for you?" What! This town has changed him dramatically. There is no way he would have said that when he first moved here.

"What! Gary, you're not my type – if I slept with you it would be too much like sleeping with Kyle. If I had a brother, it would be like sleeping with my brother. I mean, because of the whole friendship thing and the smart thing." I know I'm rambling and not making any sense, but I don't care as long as my general point is made.

He sneers at me. Sneers! I didn't even know he was capable of sneering.

"Wait – you want to sleep with me!"

"No!" He denies that rather quickly and very vehemently.

"I just wanted to apologize for Cartman's stupidity and tell you not to worry about the whole sex thing."

"I hate being Mormon," he whispers. I'm not even sure I've heard him correctly. I just stare at him blankly. "The only way I can – you know – is by marrying. And all the girls here hate me so my chances of marrying them are slim. Next year I need to go on my mission and when I come back, I'm expected to marry. I don't want to marry, I just want…" he murmurs the last word: "sex."

That word in that tone sends a shiver of pleasure down my spine. I'm not sure if I should tell him he needs to date a chick before he even thinks about kissing her, let alone marrying her.

"Just because you wanna bone doesn't mean you should despise your faith. It means that you're a horny teenager."

"I don't want to be."

"You kinda don't have a choice."

"Can you teach me?" He looks at me with big pleading eyes. Wait – what!

"Dude, did you not just hear the list of people I've fucked! What about me screams chastity?"

"I really don't know anything about… you know."

"Sex?" I raise an eyebrow at him. That's right, he transferred in after we had gone through sex ed.

He nods miserably. "Could you teach me? If I know, then I can figure out a way to avoid it."

God damn my bleeding heart.

"Fine, but only if you teach me about civics and politics and stuff." Wendy and Kyle have both tried and failed quite spectacularly. "And I'm not going to bone you. Deal?"

He sighs in relief. "Deal."

I spit into my palm and hold it out for him to shake, but he just stares at it. "It's a spit pact," I say by way of explanation.

"A what?"

"I spit in my hand, you spit in yours, we shake, can't break the promise made, you know – all that shit."

"That's unsanitary and doesn't make any sense."

"Why should it make sense?" I've never thought about it making sense, I've always just done it. "The Book of Mormon doesn't make any sense either." When he doesn't take my hand, I wipe it on my pants.

"I know."

"Yet you're still Mormon." He gives me a strange look. "Oh, right. Here, let me tell you something: I overheard Damien and Pip talking once about heaven. It was definitely something I shouldn't have heard, but I did, so whatever. Pip wanted to know the right way of life, which religion to follow to get into heaven, what God's plan was, et cetera. Damien laughed at him and told him to guess. After about fifty tries, Damien finally admitted that Mormons – devout Mormons are the only ones to get into heaven. He then told Pip that it didn't matter which religion he was because, you know, Pip's a flamer, and after you are fucking the anti-christ habitually you're kinda damned anyway. But I digress."

"You knew about Damien, but you still – with Pip?"

"I'm an immoral bastard," I shrug. "It's not like we're dating or nothing. We just hooked up at a party." And his polite thing – completely gone when it comes to sex, not that I'd tell Gary this. Why else would the anti-christ be interested in something as innocent as Pip seems? And well, Damien watched. That was hot.

"I know that you meant that to be reassuring, but it wasn't. I mean if I get into – " The bell rings, cutting him off. "Thanks, Stan." He smiles, and it's fake. "I'll talk to you later." And he runs away. I've given up thinking about how weird the people in this town are.

I half expect everyone to be outside the door spying on us, but there is no one there. Well then, I guess I can lie.

In my next class I tell Cartman that I blew Gary. Unfortunately he doesn't believe me, but it's not like I can provide proof – unless he asks Gary. Which would be disproof. He's not likely to ask Gary, so even if I did fuck the kid, he wouldn't give me the fifty bucks.

* * *

After school Kyle and I wait outside the gym with a bunch of other kids who want to see Kyle kick Cartman's ass. People look at their watches and money exchanges hands. I guess they had bets about whether or not Cartman would have the balls to show up. 

Kyle keeps muttering under his breath. Sometimes I can distinguish the words, sometimes I can't. Most of them are about Cartman being a racist, fat bastard. He's jumpy too, anxious to start this thing and get it over with.

We wait half an hour before dispersing, Kyle declaring himself the victor. Not that there was much of a battle. It's kinda sad, really. I wanted to see him kick Cartman's ass.

The two of us walk home together.

"Did you really blow Gary?" Kyle asks skeptically.

"Nah. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't do it." I shove my hands into my pockets.

"You didn't seem to mind when it was other people." So that is what this is about.

"Kyle, I didn't tell you those things because I thought you would freak out."

"You told me about Wendy!"

"Yeah, and you freaked out." He really did. He even punched me in the stomach.

He doesn't say anything.

"I'm not going to destroy some kid's entire belief system just to take money from Cartman. And he wouldn't believe me even if I did."

"Do you want to?" he asks curiously.

"He's not my type."

"How's he different from Pip?"

I leer at him. "Do you really want to know?"

"Agh! Gross!" He blanches.

"I like to think I have some semblance of a conscious left. I'm not that much of an asshole."

"So…" I'm not sure I like his tone. "What is your type?"

I smirk. "I like fun!" I declare.

He chokes and starts coughing. Once he composes himself he asks, "Don't you want anything a little, I don't know, deeper?"

"Not now, dude," I scoff. "Maybe someday, but not now."

* * *

TBC 

Stan is so gay. And a manwhore. But I think that's why I love him. And Gary's answer about bipartisanship is almost directly quoted from Wikipedia.

Comments are most welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Fun With Mormons  
Pairing: crack pairings  
Rating: PG-15  
Word Count: 1,882  
Warnings: thoughts of sex and other filth  
Author's Note: CRACK  
Disclaimer: previous disclaimers still apply

--

Kyle's over when Gary hesitantly knocks on the door to my house. Kyle is kicking my butt on the Game Sphere, so Gary is a welcome distraction.

"Who is it?" Kyle calls from the other room.

"Gary," I call back.

"Oh." Kyle's voice is flat and disapproving.

"He's here to teach me civics," I explain with a half truth. I shove Gary into the room with the Game Sphere and the annoyed Jew. Gary seems very uncomfortable with the entire thing. Kyle's ire probably doesn't help the situation much.

"I thought Wendy and I were teaching you." He sounds hurt.

"Yeah, and that's been going on for how long? And I still haven't learned a thing."

"How about we try together, Kyle?" Gary asks, giving Kyle his toothpaste ad smile.

Kyle's acting like some jealous lover, so obviously he refuses Gary's offer.

"I'll just go home, man."

"You could stay here and play Game Sphere," I offer.

"It's okay, man, my mother's probably throwing a shit-fit about me not being home yet." His mother is his trump card for leaving any uncomfortable situation.

I let it slide this time – as I know he and Gary don't get along. Like, at all.

Kyle sees himself out as Gary unpacks large, intimidating books from his bag and displays them on the floor in front of the couch.

"We could go to the kitchen table or my room," I suggest.

Gary gives me a slightly pained look, like he just bit his tongue. Okay, so it was a bad idea to mention my bedroom. But the kitchen table should in no way – in Gary's mind – be linked to sex. He doesn't need to know about Wendy's food kink.

"Or we could just stay here." I sit down next to him. "So what's going to be on the exam?"

He just kinda looks at me, as if I should _know_ what is going to be on the exam. I have mentioned that I don't pay attention in class, haven't I?

"What _do_ you do in class?" he asks curiously.

I shrug. "Last class I was defending my honor as a man."

"And the two weeks before that?"

"Uh…" He had me there. "My mind kinda wanders."

"To where?" Is he…? He totally is trying to be all shrink with me.

"Different places. Sex. Food." Wendy's food kink. "A game, a meet, other exercise, my job, my future, my friends. Why?"

Very carefully he says, "I would just like to have an indication about where your mind meanders to – to determine how to better get the information necessary across."

"You want to know my carrot?" I raise my eyebrows. He's so trying to be all shrink.

"In a way," he smiles shyly.

I wonder if I really do give off that dumb jock vibe… because Gary seems surprised that not only did I understand the words, I also understood the concept. I'm apathetic – not dumb.

I shrug in response. "Whatever works."

He tries to teach me all crazy things about partisanship. Most of it is boring, so I tune it out. Gary wants to learn about sex – and he's never been kissed. How is that possible at 18? Unless you're Butter's, and then it's completely understandable. I have no idea how to backtrack that far back to teach Gary the basics. I bet he doesn't even know how to flirt. This _could_ be a challenge. If he –

"Stan? Where has your mind gone this time?" He looks up at me from the textbook, genuinely curious.

Lesson One: "You." I lower my voice in a way that never fails to get Bebe all hot and bothered.

He looks like he just swallowed his tongue. "What – what about… me?" He trips over his words, probably calculating where he lost control of the situation.

"Your voice," I whisper, blatantly staring at his mouth.

His lips work in a silent "Oh."

"You should be paying attention to my words, not my… voice."

"Then we both fail the first lesson."

"Pardon?"

"I wasn't paying attention to civics, and you weren't paying attention to how to flirt."

"Oh."

"Let's just work on one subject at a time, then."

"Oh," he repeats.

"That cool?"

He shifts uncomfortably and lunges at me, latching onto my mouth with his own. He's enthusiastic, I'll give him that, but that's all I'll give him.

He looks like a kicked puppy when I pry him off of me. "Dude, that's not how you do that."

He looks anywhere but my face and is bright red. And still manages to look like a kicked puppy.

Goddamnit!

"Okay, here's my lesson." I shove the textbooks out of the way. "Slow. Then build up speed." I lean forward, balancing unstably on one hand. "You need to test the waters, so to speak." I lean closer, bringing my mouth parallel with his. "See if the person is willing to accept." My mouth is directly above his. I can taste his breath. "If there is no resistance…" I smirk and place a chaste kiss on Gary's lips – which is even weirder than him kissing me. This is really too weird, maybe I shouldn't have done this whole… thing!

I pull back slightly, enough to speak again without my words being muffled by his mouth. "If that works, lean back in and continue."

His eyes flutter closed in anticipation.

"But that's for another lesson." I sit back. Thank God.

"Gee, Stan, that _was_ informative," he tells me earnestly.

"Jesus Christ, Gary! You're the only person I know who would call a make-out tutorial informative!"

"Not to change the subject – " He's embarrassed. " – But why don't you pay attention in civics. I mean, you do fine in every other… subject." His gaze bounces to my lips and then back to my eyes.

I shrug. "I just don't care for it."

"You find it boring. I understand that, but why?"

"I just don't think I'm ever going to need this stuff."

"Stan, the government controls your life. Don't you think you should know how it works? So you can vote informatively."

"I don't care how it works; all I care is that it does work."

"That's the thing: it doesn't always work. Government isn't infallible."

I never expected Gary of all people to have an anarchist mentality, so I tell him so.

"It's not an anarchist thought. It's a democratic thought," Gary explains. A smile tugs at the side of his mouth. It's a bit distracting – mostly because that is the look Pip gets before he pounces. Apparently civics makes Gary hot, as disturbing as that is. That's an advanced lesson though – one I'm sure as hell not going to teach today. No matter how interested my body is – which, to be honest, it really isn't – my mind can still maintain some semblance of morals.

This was a bad idea.

"It's a good thing you have a tutor. I can't imagine what dangerous ideas you would infect society with."

I raise an eyebrow. "That's new. I've never been called a menace to society before." Well, by someone other than the crazy lady across the street. I only broke her window once, and that was an accident. Involving a baseball. And a magic eight ball.

He blushes and stutters. "That's not what I meant."

I raise both eyebrows. "So I'm just plain dumb?"

"Oh no, Stan," he says with much conviction. "You just focus in on the wrong things."

"Like sex?" I know I'm baiting him, and I know it's cruel, but I just can't help myself.

"Like sex," he affirms. "But that's not entirely what I meant. I mean that you focus on what interests you – "

"Like sex," I jump in with a smirk.

He regards me carefully. "Like, say, the Revolutionary War, not why we had a revolutionary war."

Oh. That.

"How do you suppose I go about fixing that?"

"I honestly don't know," he shakes his head sadly.

"Fucking shit," I grumble.

"We should still go over what's going to be on the exam," he suggests hopefully.

"If you think that would help." I shrug nonchalantly. This is still completely a bad idea.

"There's only one way to know for sure." He smiles shyly. If he weren't so sexually naïve I'd swear he's acting coy.

"Unfortunately." Civics really does suck balls, and he hasn't exactly taught me anything. I doubt he's going to. That doesn't mean I can't teach him. However, he'd benefit and I wouldn't. Not that I don't want to help, but it messes with morals I have no business messing in.

Of course it was his idea.

---

The next day Kyle is looking at me like I killed his puppy – drowned the fucker in a bag after clubbing it and cementing all four of its tiny, puppy feet. Gary keeps giving me coy glances. Cartman looks like he broke into a Swiss Bank account – undoubtedly because Kyle's focus is elsewhere, not on the fact that Cartman pussied out on their showdown. And Kyle's angry with me and not him. I'm sure that Cartman also wants me to corrupt the morals of the naïve… well, Gary. Kenny looks like he's forgotten everything except for the fact that I won't fuck him.

It's this town – I swear! I know that other kids in other towns don't go through this kind of shit. Jesus! And I didn't even put myself into this mess. I'd go to Wendy for help, but she's kinda pissed at me for arguing about my conquests during civics when I am "quite obviously failing, you stupid bastard." And Kyle is part of the problem, so he wouldn't be much help either.

"G'day, Stan."

I withdraw my head from my locker.

"Hey, Pip." I nod at him. "Damien." Obviously Damien is there as well.

"Have you introduced Gary yet?" Pip asks. For a moment, I confess, I'm lost – until Damien smirks and waggles his eyebrows. It's ridiculous to watch, actually.

"No, and I don't intend to." I narrow my eyes at them. "Damien – I'm sure you understand."

He shrugs. It's not like Pip was ever naïve – well, he was, but not innocent. Pip was never innocent. Just the way he looks at Damien… like he wants to devour him right there. Damn, that's hot. I bet they could teach Gary a thing or two… oh! I am amazing.

"Hey guys? Could I ask a favor?"

Damien narrows his eyes suspiciously, but Pip looks intrigued – quite possibly because of the subject matter.

"Um… Gary and I kinda agreed to teach each other about things. Gary would teach me about civics, and I'd teach him about sex and stuff." Damien looks even more skeptical. "I was wondering if I could ask you two to demonstrate what I'd be explaining, you know?"

"Huh," Damien says pensively. And after a pause, "We'll let you know after school."

Pip throws me a smile that means he's going to do a lot more than speak with Damien about this, they'll do me the favor, and probably do me as well.

Damn, I'm gonna have a boner for the rest of the fucking day.

The bell rings. Kyle must have sent Wendy after me, because she comes up behind me and drags me away from their promises.

---

Whee! This is my cracktastic, anti-drug fic. And I love it for that. But that's about it. Although, Stan, you slut. Damn, boy.

I'm taking some of my fics off hiatus. This doesn't mean that they'll be published right away, though. Please be patient. Check my profile for further details. Thanks!


End file.
